Sunday, April 19, 2009

Letters I've written, never meaning to send.

Hey sis,

I’m sure it seems weird getting a letter from me since I’m not the letter writing type. Is it just me, or is it a strange paradox that the longer you know someone the harder it becomes to say things to them? There's so much baggage and expectations that it just seems impossible to come right out and say what needs to be said.

When I used to watch movies I never understood why relationships went wrong. The right thing to say seemed so obvious and I would always get angry thinking, why don’t they just say what they’re feeling. And, of course, I always thought that if I were in that situation I would say exactly what I felt and everything would turn out just fine. It wasn’t long before I found myself in some of these exact situations, knowing exactly what to say, knowing exactly how to fix things, knowing exactly what someone needed to hear, and not saying it for reasons I still struggle to understand. It reminds me of how mom and dad used to fight about the stupidest things and we’d always realize that neither of them made any sense, and if they just calmed down and looked at things reasonably it could all be figured out. I remember how I promised that I would never end up like that, and as a result ended up avoiding things altogether rather than dealing with them as I knew I should have. I would always find myself thinking, I can’t believe this person thinks I’m going to play that game, and ignoring it, when what I should have done was exposed the game, and changed the rules to something better, something closer to the truth. But in trying to avoid others’ mistakes, I also avoided a lot of what life is supposed to be. I suppose that’s the way the world is designed. We can see right through other people but are blind when it comes to ourselves.

Well, now I’m rambling and there was a specific reason I wanted to write you. I was thinking about things unsaid, and I think I’ve neglected many people in my life. The other day me, ------, and mom had breakfast with --- for her birthday. As I’m sure you heard, she recently got a DUI and joked about how now all of us except you have been arrested. But I’m sure you’ll keep us from getting a reputation as a family of jail birds. Then mom was doing her usual “so how does it feel to be --?” And she mentioned how at your last birthday you were already complaining about feeling old, and I thought about how much we have in common despite how different we seemed when we were younger. I’ve also felt old for a long time now and people think I’m crazy when I say so. I know we used to fight a lot, and I used to tease you and call you some pretty mean names. I remember when you were in your late teens and I heard you talking to mom about all your insecurities. That’s one of the times I knew exactly what to say but didn’t. I’m afraid that some of my childish behavior might have contributed to your insecurities. So I want to apologize for that and let you know that all those things that I said were nothing more than me pointing out my own perceived shortcomings. You are a smart, kind, beautiful young woman, and I know things will work out for you in the end. Anyway, that’s what I wanted to say, and I should have said it a long time ago. I’m sorry I haven’t always been the greatest brother. But if you ever need anything, just let me know. I promise you I’ll take care of it.

Your bro,


204 said...

I dont know who you are, but I hope by now youve sent that to your sister. I think its the most important thing in our short time here that you make certain you do. Tomorrow is never certain, regardless of how she responds owe it to both of you to send it.

I cant tell you how many times Ive wanted to say it to my own sister. And I think now I will.

Anait said...

I agree with the above....don't just post it, SEND it. Life really is short...there's a quote I read somewhere that goes something along the lines of: "if we all found out we were going to die tomorrow, every phone line would be jammed with people calling others, telling them they love them". It's the strongest emotion yet the hardest to express.

I'm the oldest child, but if I had an older brother who sent me a letter like that, I'd keep it and re-read it every day.

Scribbler said...

My first comments. Thanks!

And peer pressure. You guys are probably right that I should send it. But then again isn't it the things that we can't say, the misunderstandings that make life so tragically beautiful.

I'll have to think about it.

Anait said...

excuses, excuses. just send it already! :)

Scribbler said...

Fine. But I'm blaming you for the ensuing awkwardness :)