Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Loner (Retard continued)

She ran up to the woman with the ball in her mouth, squeaking it at her.

“Can you play with her?”

“She doesn’t want to play.”

“Then why is she attacking me with the ball?”

They walked into the living room and he threw the ball across the room. She started after it, then suddenly stopped at her bowl and began wolfing down her food.

“Go get the ball.” She continued to eat, occasionally looking up at them. “See.”

“Our dog is completely insane.”

“She just doesn’t like eating alone.”

Kids (Retard continued)

“I don’t know what I would tell them.”

She looked at him, confused.

“They’re kids. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

“Well, what will we raise them to be?”

She started getting upset.

“You were the one who said you wanted kids.”

“I do. But it’s completely selfish. I’d be a terrible father.”

“You are the most caring man I’ve ever known. Look how good you are with the dog. She loves you.”

“I call her retard.”

“But you don’t mean it. I’m sure we can come up with better names for our kids.”

Major Tom (Retard continued)

She set down her bags on the counter and then went into the living room to see what the singing was all about.

“Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.”

“What are you doing?”

The dog ran over to her to say hello, a large plastic jar on her head.

“You are out of your mind.” She reached to take it off.

“No, she needs to learn to take it off herself. You can't baby her just cause she's a retard.”

“She could suffocate.”

“Duh, I drilled holes in the end. This way if she ever gets stuck in one in the wild she knows how to free herself.” He gave himself a congratulatory tap on the head with his finger.

“In the wild, you won’t be there to put it on her.”

“What exactly are you accusing me of?”

“Dogs don’t put plastic jars on their heads.”

He immediately called the dog over and took it off her. “Put your money where your mouth is.”

“Name the price.”

“You’re going to feel so dumb when this is over.”

He ran over and started petting her and doing his stupid excited doggy voice “that's a good girl”. Her tail started wagging and her breath fogging up the front of the jar.

“That doesn’t count.” “No backing out now.” “She didn’t put it on you tricked her.” “Irrelevant.” “No you might as well have put it on her yourself it’s entrapment.” “Irrelevant irrelevant irrelevant.” “and you say you don’t want her to get stuck in one of those and you’re teaching her to stick her head into them that’s real smart.” “Quit changing the subject.” “Aren’t you ashamed that you get joy at the expense of others?” “Expense, you don’t think she enjoys this.” “No.” “Do you want to see who her favorite is again?” “I have work to do.” “Wait watch this.”

He grabbed the ball and began squeaking it. The dog chased after him, the jar bobbling clumsily around her neck. He threw it across the room and she chased it down and continually smashed the jar into it as she tried to pick it up “I could do this forever.”