Only Child (Retard Continued)

"We should give her a little brother to play with."

"Are you saying you want to get another dog or have a kid."

"I didn't say anything about a kid, you did."

"You implied it."

"Fine if you insist you can have one, but don’t expect me to change diapers, I’m only doing the fun stuff." He took her in his arms.

"What are you doing?"

"Babies don’t make themselves."

"They can’t get made at all right now."

"Why not?"

"For one thing there’s something called the pill, and for another I have to work."

"It’s a free country babe, you don’t have to do anything."

"Well I want to work."

"Why?"

"Because it’s what I do."

"Why?"

"Clearly, there are already too many babies in this house."

His tone completely changed. "I want you to remember this moment because I’m going to be serious for once.............. Give me that baby!" He grabbed her and started tickling her stomach. "Where’s that baby hiding, where is he, stop hoarding your baby maker." She giggled and pulled away but he picked her up and carried her to the couch. "Keep it up and I’ll steal one of your ovaries while you’re sleeping and make that baby myself. He lifted up her shirt and started blowing raspberries on her stomach."

"Stop it. You’ve lost your mind." Unable to control her laughter.

"I've got to do it to somebody. Babies like it more, but until you give me one, I only got you. 'I got you babe'" He got serious and moved to her lips then whispered in her ear. "I'm honestly asking you. Do you want to have kids?"

"Maybe someday."

"Someday soon?"

"I'll have to think about it."

"Well, fine. We’re not gonna make a baby today, but if we’re gonna be making one someday… you know what they say..."

"What’s that?"

"Practice makes perfect."

Goodbye Valentine

Three cheers to the suits and ties on the top floors of the tallest buildings. You've made my dreams come true. Three cheers to the diamond cutters, the card writers, the teddy bear stuffers, and that genius who put a cherry in a chocolate. There is nothing like the day corporations patented love.

How silly it seems, in this modern era, that there were days when people might have actually picked flowers from a field. What a waste of time it must have been when people were forced to write a note with nothing more than a pen and their true feelings. Now we can have a machine stamp our feelings onto cards by the thousands. What an anachronism to give gifts that someone might actually need, when you can show your love with a rock whose value is derived from a false scarcity and a legacy of colonialism and slave labor. There was a time when people used to die for love, but of course, in this modern era, that would be terribly inconvenient. But with the gift of a diamond you can avoid the personal inconvenience, and she can savor the fact that someone probably did die for it. After all, she is worth dying for, just as long as you’re not the one who does the dying.

How confusing it must have been, back when it was the thought that counts. How could you possibly know how much someone cares, when the gifts had no monetary value? But in this civilized age it’s all laid out for us; the days to celebrate, the ways to celebrate, and the things to buy. Don’t worry about spontaneity or originality. It’s now all obligatory! Like everything else in this world it’s been conveniently plotted out from start to finish, with a small dash of personal preference so we can maintain the comfortable illusion of choice. All we have to do is follow the instructions that are beamed into a box in our living room and all the pieces magically fall into place. Of course the best part is, the instructions are scattered about and repeated constantly so we learn them without even paying attention! And if you’re one of those cynical people who resents all this being forced on you, good news, you don’t have to participate. And unlike the days of old where mobs would torture and kill those who went against the will of society, you will only be made a pariah, and still have a long lonely life to look forward to.

I bow to you, you managers, you artists, you social engineers. With a few magic phrases and flickering images, you managed to reach into the hearts and souls of the masses and permanently weld romance to materialism. And while we are dishing out gratitude, let us not forget the evolutionary implications of this wonderful new amalgam. Now the people with the most money will woo the best mates. And, as we all know, the smartest people always end up with the most money. Assuming, of course, that they aren't hindered with a conscience..... or a soul………… or vision for anything beyond the immediate gratification of their basest animal instincts.

Strange Boy

“She’s not here today.”

“Where is she?”

“I don’t know. She not come in today. You want other girl?”

“When will she be back?”

“She not come in, she not call. I don’t know. Maybe tomorrow.”

He turned to leave.

“Wait boy let me ask you question. Why you come only see one girl?”

“None of your goddamn business.”

“Easy boy, I try to be friendly. Give you advice. You still young boy listen to older man advice. Understand?”

“I don’t need advice from a dirty old man.”

“Hey you! You here just like everyone else. You think you better because you talk? Yes, she tell me and she laugh, you only want to talk. You still pay like everyone else.”

“I’m not like everyone else.”

“Some like talk, some like fuck. Usually young boy like fuck, but you strange boy. You start fuck, maybe it will fix your head.”

“Maybe I’ll fix your head.” He immediately thought about how stupid that sounded.

“Boy, you not right up here, so I let you go this one time.”

Choices (Retard continued)

He stepped on one of the balls, rolling it around under his foot and the dog jumped for it. He immediately stepped on the next ball and the dog dropped the one she had, leaping for that one. He quickly changed from ball to ball squeaking it just long enough for the dog to take the bait, then switched. “Which ball do you want Retard? The one that squeaks the loudest?” He began doing a bad rendition of a common musical tune on the balls, as the dog continued to jump erratically. “You just want the one that you can’t have.”

He grabbed two balls of the same color, one that had lost its squeak, and threw them simultaneously. The dog chased them down and swooped up the squeaky one. Unsatisfied, he did the same thing again, this time the dog grabbed the one that had lost its squeakiness but quickly realized her mistake and continued after the other one.

He gathered all the balls into a box, spun around and flung them across the yard. The dog gave chase picking up one after another until they all rolled to a dead stop. She looked around confused, then laid down panting.


Years ago, when he was still with his wife, he came home drunk and plopped himself down on the couch. The dog approached him and barked. “What do you want?” She began trying to get behind the couch. He reached back and grabbed one of the many balls stuck behind it. “Is this what you want?” He threw the ball. The dog retrieved it then came back and barked again, and he repeated the process to the last ball. “I hope you’re happy because that’s all there is.” The dog barked again. “Shut up Retard, there’s no more.” He rolled on his side and dozed off.

The Ones We Love (Retard continued)

“I was packaging those books up today."

He knew the hanging sentence meant she was mad at him. "And..."

"And the sound of the packing tape made Madison run into the other room.”

“She was probably looking for me cause she wanted to play the game.”

“You know, when I had to pull that tape off her she yelped.”

“You should have just let it fall off naturally.”

“It doesn’t fall off naturally.”

“Maybe she thinks it was worth all the fun we had. Huh Retard.” The dog’s tail started wagging.

“I don’t know why she loves you so much.”

“Because even pain is better than boredom.”

After his wife left the room he walked over to the dog and started petting her and doing his stupid doggie voice. “Does that tape really hurt you retard. I’m sorry.”

Spin (Retard continued)

She was walking down the hallway when a ball suddenly rolled across the room in front of her, followed closely by the dog who scrambled after it but fell over sideways. The dog immediately popped back up, feet flailing around the wood floor, and nearly toppled over again before finally reaching the ball. She turned the corner and found her husband in the other room laughing.

“What did you do to our dog?”

“She’s just dizzy.”

Just

There are no mysteries left. The sun is not God. The stars are not magic. There is no edge of the world. There are no more oceans to cross or lands to chart. There is nowhere left to explore.

The only mystery that remains is the mystery of other people.

Let me explore you. Let me in. Can we put aside the silly games? Can we be completely honest? Can we lay out naked in the harsh sunlight and allow ourselves to be judged, and yet still not judge?

I’m tired of the world. It is cold and dark and lonely. Let me escape into you. Let me know every inch of your mind. Let me touch every inch of your body. Let me feel every inch of your soul.

There is no perfect merging. There is no permanent melding. Only moments. Illusions, perhaps. I’ll pretend if I have to.

Just be.

Just be here.

Just be here with me.

Let me melt into you before we melt away.

Reflection (Retard continued)

His wife walked in. “What is she barking about?”

“This is so funny, you have to see this.” His wife waited impatiently, wondering what he could possibly be doing. He held out a hand mirror in front of the dog and she turned away from it. “She’s afraid of her own reflection.”

“Oh my God. She thinks it’s another dog.”

“Or she has some serious insecurities.” He kept the mirror in front of her so she couldn’t pass through the hallway and she suddenly began jumping around and barking at it.

“Ok she’s had enough.”

“Wait I want to see if she eventually figures out it’s her reflection.”

“You’re scaring her.”

“I’m helping her to overcome her fear.” He moved in closer and started petting her. “Come here retard. Look it’s you. It’s ok puppy.”

“Ok, she’s still scared. You can stop now.”

“She’ll figure it out eventually.”

“Maybe she can’t figure it out and you’re just traumatizing her for no reason.”

“Then I'm saving her from your spankings, because from now on when she gets into the trash you can just pull out the mirror.” He suddenly ran in the other room and came back with tape and the big plastic jar.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“Taping the mirror to the inside of her helmet.”