Holy hell, if this isn’t the loneliest place in the world. In the big cities there is a sense of alienation, but you get the feeling that no matter how strange you are, there are at least other strange people out there, so you have something in common with someone. And if you were to die there, somebody would sort of understand what you were about. You were different, but not bad. Perhaps even special.
Here, the same cardboard houses on every street. The same people everywhere. Of course, there are always the poor, middle, and rich classes. But beyond their money I see no other differences. They all go to work, go home, drink on the weekends, and despise anything that threatens their routine. They are always friendly and give each other enthusiastic greetings but go silent when you’re around. They look at you weird, like they can sense you are not one of them. It’s as if they somehow know that you think differently than them. You see a different world from what they see. And if you were to die here, good riddance.
So you do what you always do. You drive. Somewhere else. Somewhere new. Away from here for a little while, is all I ask for. Out past the morning mist of the orchards. Out past the farms and the spray of sprinklers glowing in the afternoon sun. Out past the dilapidated industry towns. Out until all you see is dust and sky.
An abandoned building. A place to stop and think. Refuge. And you walk around it’s creaky floors. And you imagine who used to live here. And you stare out the window thinking. Thinking for hours. You can’t stop thinking. It’s much less lonely out here. This house understands me better than those people. The sound of the wind, more comforting than their chatter. Can’t stay too long. It’s only a matter of time before the sheriff stops and asks what you’re doing. And when you tell him you’re thinking he won’t believe you because he’s never done it himself. So back to blacktop, smog machines, and robots. Back to being a visitor on a strange planet. Back to loneliness.
On the way back you wonder what this day meant, and how all the days bleed together into a surreal mess. But at least you did something today. You thought. You thought for hours. But what did you think about? Don’t you know? You were just doing it. How could you have forgotten already? Then you realize you were thinking in circles. You didn’t make any progress. Nothing changed. You thought the same thing you always do.
What the hell am I doing?
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Checkout
He thought about grabbing his single item and hurrying back into the isles where he'd be safe, but he feared he’d already been spotted. He hoped that the clerk would get him out of there fast, but he soon found himself in the situation he dreaded.
“Hey Dan, how’ve you been?”
“Fine.”
“You still have your old stuff at the house.”
“You can throw it out.”
“Do you have time to talk to me?”
“About what?”
“About anything.”
“Not now, I’m in a hurry.”
He knew that by talking all the bad feelings she had instilled in him that he had spent his life trying to disprove would return, and everything that he wanted out of life would become impossibilities once again. But he also knew that most of the things that she did, she did because she thought they were right, and that made him feel bad as he walked away from her.
Years ago she had asked him if he blamed her for something. She couldn’t realize he didn’t tell her for her own sake. He blamed her for everything. Everything that was wrong with his life. But he didn’t see how telling her that would help anything.
He didn’t want to tell her about how when she was around, the world shriveled to the hopeless meaningless mess he remembered from childhood. He didn’t want to tell her that she was everything he didn’t want to be, and stood for everything he thought was wrong with the world. She thought that him not talking to her proved he didn’t care. The opposite was actually true.
“Hey Dan, how’ve you been?”
“Fine.”
“You still have your old stuff at the house.”
“You can throw it out.”
“Do you have time to talk to me?”
“About what?”
“About anything.”
“Not now, I’m in a hurry.”
He knew that by talking all the bad feelings she had instilled in him that he had spent his life trying to disprove would return, and everything that he wanted out of life would become impossibilities once again. But he also knew that most of the things that she did, she did because she thought they were right, and that made him feel bad as he walked away from her.
Years ago she had asked him if he blamed her for something. She couldn’t realize he didn’t tell her for her own sake. He blamed her for everything. Everything that was wrong with his life. But he didn’t see how telling her that would help anything.
He didn’t want to tell her about how when she was around, the world shriveled to the hopeless meaningless mess he remembered from childhood. He didn’t want to tell her that she was everything he didn’t want to be, and stood for everything he thought was wrong with the world. She thought that him not talking to her proved he didn’t care. The opposite was actually true.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
The Offer
He offered her as much as was realistically possible. Not pure, but honest. Not forever, but truly and deeply now. He offered her everything he could, and more than she had ever had. But with this offer he had demystified everything. He had left her with nothing more to hope for. So she had no choice but to turn him down. She wanted the impossible, and in pursuit of it, she would end up settling for much less. She passed on the real promises and bought into the false ones, because deceit is cloaked in mystery, and in that mystery she found the hope that her dreams might be possible, that she may have finally found what she was looking for; that elusive feeling of completeness she had sought her entire life, that island in the sun where she could bask in ecstasy everlasting. Heaven itself.
That was the closest they would ever come to finding what they were looking for. But his honesty cost them their chance. That was the price they paid. He for not believing in the impossible. She for believing in her dreams.
That was the closest they would ever come to finding what they were looking for. But his honesty cost them their chance. That was the price they paid. He for not believing in the impossible. She for believing in her dreams.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Vacation (Retard continued)
“My sister said she can take care of the dog." She laid down on the bed next to him, resting her head on her hand, trying to peek his expression over his shoulder. "You just need rest. A week of sand and sun and you’ll be yourself again.”
He remained facing away from her, moving nothing but his lips. “Where are we going?”
“Some place warm. Tropical.”
“Why does everyone go to the same places?”
“Because they’re nice.”
“Doesn’t sound it.”
She put her hand on his shoulder and began stroking his arm. “Where do you want to go?”
“Somewhere with less people.”
“We’ll go to the mountains.”
He was silent.
“Remember that time when we were driving through the desert and we stopped at one of those run down abandoned houses.”
“Yeah.”
“Let’s go there.”
“What for?”
“We could be alone there.”
“I don’t want to be alone.”
He remained facing away from her, moving nothing but his lips. “Where are we going?”
“Some place warm. Tropical.”
“Why does everyone go to the same places?”
“Because they’re nice.”
“Doesn’t sound it.”
She put her hand on his shoulder and began stroking his arm. “Where do you want to go?”
“Somewhere with less people.”
“We’ll go to the mountains.”
He was silent.
“Remember that time when we were driving through the desert and we stopped at one of those run down abandoned houses.”
“Yeah.”
“Let’s go there.”
“What for?”
“We could be alone there.”
“I don’t want to be alone.”
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Loner (Retard continued)
She ran up to the woman with the ball in her mouth, squeaking it at her.
“Can you play with her?”
“She doesn’t want to play.”
“Then why is she attacking me with the ball?”
They walked into the living room and he threw the ball across the room. She started after it, then suddenly stopped at her bowl and began wolfing down her food.
“Go get the ball.” She continued to eat, occasionally looking up at them. “See.”
“Our dog is completely insane.”
“She just doesn’t like eating alone.”
“Can you play with her?”
“She doesn’t want to play.”
“Then why is she attacking me with the ball?”
They walked into the living room and he threw the ball across the room. She started after it, then suddenly stopped at her bowl and began wolfing down her food.
“Go get the ball.” She continued to eat, occasionally looking up at them. “See.”
“Our dog is completely insane.”
“She just doesn’t like eating alone.”
Kids (Retard continued)
“I don’t know what I would tell them.”
She looked at him, confused.
“They’re kids. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
“Well, what will we raise them to be?”
She started getting upset.
“You were the one who said you wanted kids.”
“I do. But it’s completely selfish. I’d be a terrible father.”
“You are the most caring man I’ve ever known. Look how good you are with the dog. She loves you.”
“I call her retard.”
“But you don’t mean it. I’m sure we can come up with better names for our kids.”
She looked at him, confused.
“They’re kids. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
“Well, what will we raise them to be?”
She started getting upset.
“You were the one who said you wanted kids.”
“I do. But it’s completely selfish. I’d be a terrible father.”
“You are the most caring man I’ve ever known. Look how good you are with the dog. She loves you.”
“I call her retard.”
“But you don’t mean it. I’m sure we can come up with better names for our kids.”
Major Tom (Retard continued)
She set down her bags on the counter and then went into the living room to see what the singing was all about.
“Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.”
“What are you doing?”
The dog ran over to her to say hello, a large plastic jar on her head.
“You are out of your mind.” She reached to take it off.
“No, she needs to learn to take it off herself. You can't baby her just cause she's a retard.”
“She could suffocate.”
“Duh, I drilled holes in the end. This way if she ever gets stuck in one in the wild she knows how to free herself.” He gave himself a congratulatory tap on the head with his finger.
“In the wild, you won’t be there to put it on her.”
“What exactly are you accusing me of?”
“Dogs don’t put plastic jars on their heads.”
He immediately called the dog over and took it off her. “Put your money where your mouth is.”
“Name the price.”
“You’re going to feel so dumb when this is over.”
He ran over and started petting her and doing his stupid excited doggy voice “that's a good girl”. Her tail started wagging and her breath fogging up the front of the jar.
“That doesn’t count.” “No backing out now.” “She didn’t put it on you tricked her.” “Irrelevant.” “No you might as well have put it on her yourself it’s entrapment.” “Irrelevant irrelevant irrelevant.” “and you say you don’t want her to get stuck in one of those and you’re teaching her to stick her head into them that’s real smart.” “Quit changing the subject.” “Aren’t you ashamed that you get joy at the expense of others?” “Expense, you don’t think she enjoys this.” “No.” “Do you want to see who her favorite is again?” “I have work to do.” “Wait watch this.”
He grabbed the ball and began squeaking it. The dog chased after him, the jar bobbling clumsily around her neck. He threw it across the room and she chased it down and continually smashed the jar into it as she tried to pick it up “I could do this forever.”
“Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.”
“What are you doing?”
The dog ran over to her to say hello, a large plastic jar on her head.
“You are out of your mind.” She reached to take it off.
“No, she needs to learn to take it off herself. You can't baby her just cause she's a retard.”
“She could suffocate.”
“Duh, I drilled holes in the end. This way if she ever gets stuck in one in the wild she knows how to free herself.” He gave himself a congratulatory tap on the head with his finger.
“In the wild, you won’t be there to put it on her.”
“What exactly are you accusing me of?”
“Dogs don’t put plastic jars on their heads.”
He immediately called the dog over and took it off her. “Put your money where your mouth is.”
“Name the price.”
“You’re going to feel so dumb when this is over.”
He ran over and started petting her and doing his stupid excited doggy voice “that's a good girl”. Her tail started wagging and her breath fogging up the front of the jar.
“That doesn’t count.” “No backing out now.” “She didn’t put it on you tricked her.” “Irrelevant.” “No you might as well have put it on her yourself it’s entrapment.” “Irrelevant irrelevant irrelevant.” “and you say you don’t want her to get stuck in one of those and you’re teaching her to stick her head into them that’s real smart.” “Quit changing the subject.” “Aren’t you ashamed that you get joy at the expense of others?” “Expense, you don’t think she enjoys this.” “No.” “Do you want to see who her favorite is again?” “I have work to do.” “Wait watch this.”
He grabbed the ball and began squeaking it. The dog chased after him, the jar bobbling clumsily around her neck. He threw it across the room and she chased it down and continually smashed the jar into it as she tried to pick it up “I could do this forever.”
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Misunderstood (Retard continued)
“You’re right. I don’t understand what you’re talking about. Why the hell would you want to move out into the middle of nowhere?”
“I don’t like my life here.”
“Then why did you spend the last ten years working for it?”
“Exactly.”
“I swear to God the longer I know you the less sense you make.” She grabbed her coat. “Are you ready to go?”
“It’s going to be exactly the same as last year.”
“You’re always saying how lonely you are. Now’s your chance to be around people.”
He held back from telling her that it was when he was with people that he felt the most alone, because that’s when he felt the least understood. He had tried to explain it to her several times before.
“Fine.” She slammed the door behind her.
He took off his tie and sat down. The dog came up beside him with her ears cautiously down. He looked down at her and patted her head.
“It’s okay retard, mommy still loves you, she’s just mad at me.”
“I don’t like my life here.”
“Then why did you spend the last ten years working for it?”
“Exactly.”
“I swear to God the longer I know you the less sense you make.” She grabbed her coat. “Are you ready to go?”
“It’s going to be exactly the same as last year.”
“You’re always saying how lonely you are. Now’s your chance to be around people.”
He held back from telling her that it was when he was with people that he felt the most alone, because that’s when he felt the least understood. He had tried to explain it to her several times before.
“Fine.” She slammed the door behind her.
He took off his tie and sat down. The dog came up beside him with her ears cautiously down. He looked down at her and patted her head.
“It’s okay retard, mommy still loves you, she’s just mad at me.”
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